HOW NOT TO MAKE A TIT OF YOURSELF

This woman is a type 4

Breasts are not just things for men to lick, suck, and ogle and for babies to extract milk from. Here in the Orient, with its ancient traditions of alternative medicine and wacky theories of physiology, the twin mammaries are also vital sources of information.

At least that was the defence offered by Kengo Mitake, a 40-year-old high school teacher in Nagasaki, charged with groping two of his female students in an exercise room at Kawatana High School in Nagasaki Prefecture. Mitake claimed he merely fondled their breasts because he wanted “to learn about the state of the muscle in their breasts and give advice about dieting.” Surprisingly, this cunning defence was not believed and Mitake was forced to make a clean breast of things before being fired.

Perhaps the reason Mitake’s defence came unclasped was because he didn’t have the right grounding in the subject, and thus came across as a rank amateur. The same cannot be said for Dr. Mitsugu Shiga, who, using a tape measure and a lot of fancy scientific jargon, succeeds in getting quite as close to the ‘orbs of desire’ on a regular basis, as Mitake did only fleetingly.

While Mitake tried to cover up his fumbling attempts with some shaky advice on what to eat, Shiga confidently makes himself at home on the bosoms of his clients by offering to unlock the secrets of their personalities. What makes him even more convincing is that he is able to combine the Oriental taste for quack physiology with elements of Western medical science, making the whole breast-groping thing, doubly respectable

“Looking at a woman's boobs is the best way of keeping abreast of her character,” he explained to the investigative journal Shukan Josei. “They define the type of person she is.”

Shiga is more than a match for his sceptical knockers, citing the respected 20th century German psychiatrist Ernst Kretschmer, who argued that particular body types influenced mental states, although Shiga has refined and focused the theory to focus on the part of the female anatomy that he is most intrigued by. By studying the influence of oestrogen distribution, he claims that he has been able to correlate the size and shape of a woman's breasts with the type of person she is, also inferring from this her attitudes towards sex.

Although Shiga’s method is fairly complex and involves many intricate measurements taken at the ‘breastface,’ basically it involves measuring ‘Distance A’ – from the base of the throat to the tip of the nipples, ‘Distance B’ – between the tips of the nipples of both breasts, and ‘Distance C’ – a line from the centre of the navel to the point of the breasts. Additional inferences are drawn from the depth of the cleavage, the roundness of the breasts, and how perky or sagging they are.

From this, four main types of women, all related to their tit topography, have emerged.

(1) Women whose (A) is longer than their (B) and (C) are the most common in Japan. They are obedient, sturdy types, usually good for bearing children, and make good wives.

Looks like a marginal Type 1. A more thorough examination may be necessary

(2) Women whose (A) and (C) are both shorter than their (B) are tall and slender. They tend to be naive and highly strung. While they yearn for love and smother those who give it, they can also be very demanding.

(3) Women whose (B) is shorter than their (A) and (C) are plump types with bulkier boobs. They can be characterized as easy going romanticists, but with a dark, emotional side. Often, these women bear many children.

(4) Women whose (A) and (B) measurements are about the same, but less than their (C) measurement have model figures with long torsos. They have more male hormones, which makes them taller and more muscular than other women. In terms of character they can be a little harsh, but are more independent.

If only the unfortunate Mitake had been able to bamboozle the court with this degree of breast fondling know how, he would probably still have his hands full ‘guiding’ his trusting students.

The quickest way to get to know someone?